An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

My boss told me to have a good day
So I went home.

A man came home to discover that someone had stolen all his lamps.
He was delighted.

A rich single man is having a drink by himself in a bar when a gorgeous woman enters. Everyone is staring at her. The guy thinks to himself, “there’s no way in hell I have a chance with her.” But, lo and behold, she sits down next to him and has a drink. The two get to talking, and the man learns that she is a hooker. A few drinks in, the man says, “I’m wealthy and single, how much would it be for a hand-job?”
The woman replies, “Do you see the rings on my fingers?” Holding up her hand, the man sees a beautiful diamond ring on each finger. “Honey, I’m the best in the business. I’ve gotten each ring from all the money I’ve gotten from giving hand-jobs. It will cost ya $1,000.”
The man replies, “That’s outrageous… but I’m wealthy and single, so what the hell.”
The man agrees, so the two go to the alley behind the bar and take care of business. They man returns, and agrees that it was the best he ever had. A couple drinks later, the man asks how much a blowjob costs. The woman replies, “Do you see those corvettes outside?”
The man looks out the window to see one in each color. “Honey, I’m the best in the business. I’ve gotten those corvettes with all the money I’ve made from giving blowjobs. It’ll cost you $5,000.”
“Holy shit! Well… I’m wealthy and single, so sure.” So the two go back outside and take care of business. Re-entering, the man says, “Wow, you were right. That was the best I ever had.” A few more drinks later, the man exclaims, “Fuck it, I want some pussy. How much would it be?” The woman replies, “Honey, look outside the window and across the street and tell me what building you see.”
The man answers, “Why, that’s the empire state building!”
The woman says, “Honey, If I had a pussy, I would own that building.”

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, “You weren’t even listening just now, were you?
I thought, “Man, what a weird way to start a conversation.

I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex.
Now she’ll know what rejection feels like.

A little boy stole a big sack of oranges from a grove. As he meets his friend who was acting as a lookout, they quickly run away. Soon, they decide to eat the oranges. One of the boys suggests the local cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn’t bother to pick them up since they had enough in the bag.
A few minutes later, a drunk on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying: “One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you.”
He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest.
“Father, please come with me . Come & witness God & Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery”
They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued: “One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you.”
Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said: “What about the two at the gate?”

I was asked to submit a 1,000 word essay.
So I just submitted a picture instead.

A doctor’s at work and has to sign some papers. He reaches into his breast pocket to get a pen and, to his surprise, pulls out a rectal thermometer instead. “Some asshole stole my pen!”, he exclaims.