One day Bruce Wayne learned that his great great great great great great grandmother encountered a vigilante who called himself “The Man of Bats…”
It was his Nana’s Nana’s Nana’s Nana’s Batman.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty-bodies.
Why don’t cows get ill very easily?
Because they have a natural imoonity.
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The barman says to the customer ‘Sorry, I’ve got to change the barrel’ and disappears into the back.
Whilst he’s waiting the man notices a bowl of peanuts on the side and goes to take a handful. Just as he’s about to grab them the peanuts suddenly start to speak, ‘You’re a handsome chap! Have you lost a bit of weight recently! You are quite the catch – any woman would be lucky to have you!’ The man regarded the peanuts oddly but shook his head and left the bar area in search of a packet of smokes.
Located in the corner of the pub was a coin operated cigarette machine. The man reached into his pocket grabbed his change and was about to put his first coin when suddenly the cigarette machine started to speak, ‘wow! You’ve had a hard life! Gained a bit of weight? Few extra gray hairs on your head….welcome to middle age pal! You do not wear it well’! The man was understandably shocked and backed away to the bar where his pint was now being prepared.
The customer turned to the bar and said, ‘What the hell is going on?!?? That bowl of peanuts said I’ve lost weight and look good for my age whilst that cigarette machine said I was fat and middle aged!’
The barman said. “I do apologies sir! The peanuts are complementary but the cigarette machines out of order!”
Bob woke up one morning to find his wife waiting for him in the kitchen, looking unusually angry.
“What’s wrong dear?” “Do you know what yesterday was?”
At that moment Bob realized that yesterday was his anniversary with his wife.
“Oh honey, I’m sorry how could I forget?” “Well it doesn’t matter. I want something that can go 0-200 in less then 60 seconds on the front yard tomorrow.” The next morning, Bob’s wife woke up and couldn’t find Bob. So she went out in the front yard. Greeting her was neither a car nor Bob, it was a small cardboard box. Perplexed, she took the box inside the house and opened it. Inside was a bathroom scale. Bob has not been seen since.
A Catholic priest, an Orthodox priest and a rabbi argue who of them is the best preacher of their faith. The decide to settle the matter by going deep into the woods and trying to convert a bear. When they meet one week later, the Catholic and Orthodox priests are beaming with smug satisfaction, while the rabbi is terribly mauled and in a grim mood.
The Catholic priest relates: “The bear I found was mesmerized by my catechism and readily accepted the truth of the Gospel; he will partake of the Eucharist next Sunday.”
The Orthodox priest replies, “My bear was deeply moved by my testimony on the unshakable faith of martyrs, and agreed to be baptized on the spot.”
The rabbi says, “Ah, I guess it was a bad idea to start with circumcision…”
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other is a pause at the end of its clause.