Is sex a joke?
Because I don’t get it.

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

My friends wife rang me today asking if I’d seen him.
“Not since yesterday.” I answered.
“I knew he was lying!” she screamed, “He told me that he was at your house all night.”
“Erm… he… has,” I replied.
“Don’t stick up for him! You just said that you hadn’t seen him since yesterday.”
“Yes, well…” I paused, “…We’ve been playing hide and seek.”

Carl opened a zoo and made the entry fee $60. No one turned up.
Carl made the entry fee $30. Yet again, no one turned up.
So, Carl made the zoo free to enter, soon enough, it was full.
Carl shut the gates, released the lions, and made the exit fee $60.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.

Why is “Dick” short for Richard?

Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong pair of socks. (Really sorry.)

After a long day, I like to lie down on my bed, look up at the stars and think to myself:
Where the fuck has the roof gone?

My girlfriend and I laugh at how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.

A man goes to get his passport renewed.
He goes to the counter and is jotting down his personal information.
“Alright sir, can I have your full name please?”
“Pepepeter Bbbbbbbbryant”
“Excuse me, sir, are you a stutterer? ”
“No, ma’am, my father was a stutterer, and the guy who made my birth certificate, an asshole”.

An atom loses an electron.
It says, “man, I really gotta keep an ion them.”

A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night.
He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight.
He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.
He smashed the first bottle swearing, “you are the reason I fight with my wife”.
He smashed the second bottle, “you are the reason I don’t love my children”.
He smashed the third bottle, “you are the reason I don’t have a decent job”.
When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full. He hesitated for only a moment and said
“you stand aside, I know you were not involved.”