27Mar/17

Joke Of The Week

In the middle of the night, a guy hailed a taxi.
After a few minutes, the guy in the taxi wanted to chat with the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him lightly on his shoulder.
The driver suddenly yelled, panicked, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a fire hydrant and stopped inches from a parked car.
The startled passenger said “I didn’t mean to frighten you, I just wanted to talk with you.”
The taxi driver says “It’s not your fault sir. It’s my first day as a cab driver…
I have been driving a hearse for the past 20 years.”

A guy meets his buddy at the bar.
He says, “I don’t want to brag, but when I walked in, those two girls by the door looked at me, then both said to each other, ‘nine’ “. His buddy said, “Really? When I walked in, they were speaking German!”

15 Best Two-Line Jokes
1    Parallel lines have so much in common It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
2    My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
3    Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
4    How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, they’re efficient and not very funny
5    What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn’t matter; it’s not going to come.
6    Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay. You have my word.
7    What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you? A pool table.
8    Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor Bastard.
9    How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints.
10    I went to a really emotional wedding the other day. Even the cake was in tiers.
11    We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea. Runs in our jeans.
12    A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building. He yells “Don’t do it! You have so much potential!”
13    Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism.
14    To the handicapped guy who stole my bag – You can hide but you can’t run.
15    I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.

Do you know how much I hate observational comedy?
This much.

What did the car say to the car keys?
You turn me on.

A termite walks into a bar and asks…
Is the bar tender here?

Running with scissors is a bad idea.
Then again, so is scissoring with the runs.

For The kids…
What do you call an airplane you have to catch?
A paper airplane.

Scientists removed the right half brain of a man and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, “two, four, six, eight, ten.” Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, “one, three, five, seven, nine.” The scientists then removed both halves of the man’s brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, “look, we’re gonna count to ten. We’re gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can’t count to one-believe me, I’ve counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn’t count to ten. Well, I’m beating all of those people in the polls. We’re gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!”

Don’t send a noble gas as a make-up present.
They change nothing.

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